The thing about family disasters is that you never have to wait long before the next one puts the previous one into perspective.

There is nothing in this world you cannot accomplish if you are willing to forfeit your deposit.

My eyesight's gone, my reflexes are shot, and I can't stay awake, but thank God I can still drive.

We find things where we look for them.

According to science, the universe began as a swirl of gas that, as it cooled, spun off the Ten Commandments.

I’ve concluded, after many years, that my mind works by process of elimination. Problem is, it hasn’t eliminated anything yet.

Two people can have a middling day, but one rounds up and the other rounds down.