It's easy to be a victim. Look how easy the Democrat Party has made almost half this country think they're victims of something.

Hillary Clinton said that white women did not vote for her because their husbands told them not to. You remember that? And we all said, "Wait a minute. What happened to feminism? Who are all of these docile women who are only doing what their husbands and boyfriends tell 'em to do?" But Hillary said that. White women didn't vote for her because their husbands didn't like Hillary and their husbands are telling them.

There's not much more to do on the gay agenda. They got gay marriage, and we're close to putting you in jail if you won't bake a cake for a gay wedding. We've got pretty much everything, but you have to keep the group happy.

There's a part of me that thinks I'm married to the audience, that I'm married to my job, and that this is where I devote 90% of my energy.

You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.

It doesn't matter who the candidates are. It doesn't matter the campaign. You know that's gonna happen. The Washington Post is gonna do it, the New York Times is gonna do it, the three networks gonna do it, CNN's gonna do it, MSNBC gonna do it, all the newspapers are gonna do it. For the vast majority of them. There are some exceptions. That sameness ends up being its own authority. If everywhere you look in the media tells you the same thing, you don't have to research.

Why do I think the polls were wrong? People were relying on the pollsters. There was "the Brexit Effect." I think there's a Trump Effect, too. I think people are lying to the pollsters about Trump. There isn't any question about it.