We know violence isn’t the answer. When we take up our arms, we’re talking about our vote.

The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

It's no wonder Michelle Obama is telling everybody you better breast-feed your baby-yeah, you better-because the price of milk is so high right now!

We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. ... We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation.

What would you do, if you could do anything?

The sardines had their heads on and they were like watching you.

My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.