Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.