Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.