Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

That special bond you think you have with your pet is imaginary. As long as it has food and water, you could get hit by a train tomorrow, and your pet wouldn't think anything of it.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.