When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.

Nowadays a lot of what was wrong with me would no doubt be ascribed to Attention Deficit Disorder, tartrazine food colouring, dairy produce and air pollution. A few hundred years earlier it would have been demons, still the best analogy I think, but not much help when it comes to a cure.

As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.

When you get just a complete sense of blackness or void ahead of you, that somehow the future looks an impossible place to be, and the direction you are going seems to have no purpose, there is this word despair which is a very awful thing to feel.

How can I tell you what I think until I've heard what I'm going to say?

I'm afraid I don't believe there is such a thing as blasphemy, just outrage from those insecure in their own faith.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and you will be happy.