It is a little theory of mine that has much exercised my mind lately, that most of the problems of this silly and delightful world derive from our apologising for those things which we ought not to apologise for, and failing to apologise for those things for which apology is necessary.

I shall sustain a massive erection, that’s what, and I shan’t be answerable for the consequences. Some kind of ejaculation is almost bound to ensue and if either of you were to become pregnant I should never forgive myself.

I get an urge, like a pregnant elephant, to go away and give birth to a book.

...the reality of intelligent British speech... uses blasphemus, coital and cloacal expletives as a matter of course.

We gave you a perfectly good language and you f***ed up.

Education is the sum of what students teach each other between lectures and seminars.

I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance.