Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them.

I happen to have a public profile. Ditto newspaper editors. It's a result of what I do, not an end.

I woke with a start. At first I assumed I'd trumped myself awake again.

I don't want to go around making everyone else agree with me. I don't feel the need to do that.

People come up to me in supermarkets and demand humour. And the less amusing I am, the more they piss themselves. So I say, "I'm doing my shopping, mate, OK?" and the guy will be on the floor in hysterics. Quite odd. Eventually I do have to say something funny so I usually go for something pathetic like, "It's a nice place to shop but I wouldn't like to live here!" and they roar again. Wet themselves. I'm lucky though that I am not massively famous, I can get the Tube without much bother. Must be awful being the Beckhams.

Big comedy is good, I like things that are big, but good comedy has to be truthful I think and has to reflect some sort of reality.

That was liquid football