Say 'Kenmore Square'," I insist. "Kenmaw Sqway-ah." "Say 'Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina.'" "Nothing could be finah than to be in Caroliner.'" "You're doing that on purpose." "I'm not. I sway-ah.

Why do guys insist on wearing those odious jeans with their rear ends hanging down around their ankles? Do they really think it's hot?

Communicating with the federal government is like talking to a computer that's crashing.

This week my son thinks he's the Supremes.All of them. So we can scratch "straight"off the list. At least I hope we can. As a gay kid he'll be a natural leader. Put him in a macho bullshit environment and he's going to have a hard time. I don't want that to happen. (Let's also not forget Wei's immortal words to him nine minutes after he was born, when she first stared into those big brown eyes: "Oh, honey. Promose me you'll grow up to like boys. Because I don't want any other woman in your life except me.")

Like there's actually a need for Greenland. You can get ice at 7-Eleven.

Romance is a universally unspoken language understood by all living organism on this planet except heterosexual men.

A first kiss after five months means more than a first kiss after five minutes.