My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.

Romance isn't just about roses or killing dragons or sailing a kayak around the world. It's also about chocolate chip cookies and sharing The Grateful Dead and James Taylor with me in the middle of the night, and believing me when I say that you could be bigger than both of them put together, and not making fun of me for straightening out my french fries or pointing my shoelaces in the same direction, and letting me pout when I don't get my own way, and pretending that if I play "Flower Drum Song" one more time you won't throw me and the record out the window

Augie: Does everybody else know? T.C.: About my epitaph? Augie: About me being gay, you gink-head hoser-face! T.C. Not everybody. There's a night watchman at a Dunkin Donuts just outside of Detroit. He doesn't know yet.

Communicating with the federal government is like talking to a computer that's crashing.

It doesn't matter what people thinks of you as long as you know that your heart and head are in the right place.

Like there's actually a need for Greenland. You can get ice at 7-Eleven.

My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.