Boot the grime of this world in the crotch dear.

People like me prove that you can survive without romance, even though you end up a bit unbalanced and you tend to argue with your own reflection.

I see myself rather like an old discarded dishrag.

It could be construed that the reason I wouldn't wish to live in England is the immigration explosion. And that's not true at all.

Women don't go to war to kill other women. Wars and armies and nuclear weapons are essentially heterosexual hobbies.

Yes I have had a tan, actually. I went to Los Angeles and got one there, but it didn't make it back to Britain. You're not allowed to come through customs with a tan.

I always thought my genitals were the result of some crude practical joke.