The world is a funny paper read backwards. And that way it isn't so funny.

America has only three cities: New York, San Francisco, and New Orleans. Everywhere else is Cleveland.

When I was fourteen, my father decided to initiate me into the ways of manhood, and took me to the local whorehouse. The woman spread her legs, and made me look between them. All I could see was something that looked like a dyin' orchid; consequently, I have never been comfortable around women or orchids.

I can find almost anything funny, thank God, so you search for the black, lacy slip that encases the corpse. You know, shift the angle. God may take away, but he often leaves you with a terrific opening line for the next adventure. I would suggest taking it. Move on; change the angle; look at it in a different way tomorrow.

The human animal is a beast that dies but the fact that he’s dying don’t give him pity for others.

What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains.

I must endure & endure & still endure.