Life is short. You die before you think you're going to. Don't waste it in college unless you're doing something real. My view.

Every single comedian in Canada is now living in the United States.

I'm not for cutting off hands but I'm more for cutting off hands than I am for molesting children, if that's what it takes to stop it. I think that's fair.

Feminism's latest victory: the right to get your limbs blown off in war. Congratulations.

I'm from rural Oregon, Yamhill County, a farm four miles out of a town of 1,000 people and that town is overwhelmingly pro-Trump.

So you [Nicholas Kristof] have got this new column out, 12 steps for people who say are traumatized by the [ Donald Trump] election.

I'm such a sap for democracy and politics that I get weepy when I see anybody voting.