I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

I love to believe that there's one god but there's many different religions so there's just the question of which long distance company you pick.

If you're in California and it's raining, stay home, because nobody can drive in the rain. It's like it's raining frogs. They're terrified.

I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.