We found the bathrooms, which were labeled 'Aliens' and 'Femaliens.' 'Finally,' I said to J.Lo. 'Here's a bathroom you're allowed to use.

The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-shirts and ate too much.

[J.Lo] found us a police car. Sort of. 'It's not a police car,' I said. 'It is,' said J.Lo. 'Looknow. Lights for flashing.' 'That's true.' 'Writing on the sides.' 'Yeah, but the writing? It says ''BullShake Party Patrol.'' Yes. Whatnow?

I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G." "Sausages.

There was less than I’d expected in the rainy-day fund that Mom had kept in the bottom of an underwear drawer in a panty hose egg labeled ‘DEAD SPIDERS.’ As if I hadn’t always known it was there. As if I wouldn’t want to look at dead spiders.

Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.

I was the funny, outgoing kid who didn't understand how he could keep getting mistaken for a nerd nobody liked.