Some of George W. Bush's friends say that Bush believes God called him to be president during these times of trial. But God told me that He/She/It had actually chosen Al Gore by making sure that Gore won the popular vote and, God thought, the Electoral College. 'That worked for everyone else,' God said.

I do personal attacks only on people who specialize in personal attacks.

The nature of the Internet and the importance of net neutrality is that innovation can come from everyone.

Minnesotans know the difference between the job of satirist and the job of senator. And so do I.

I wish I had spent more time at the office and less time in prison.

Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to!

As someone who's spent time with our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan on USO tours and met wounded warriors at Walter Reed and Bethesda, I feel a deep obligation to the men and women who have risked life and limb on our behalf.