Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs - they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out I can always try gardening.