We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.

Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.

You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.