Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.

I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs - they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out I can always try gardening.

Latinos outnumber Black people now. I'm not too happy about it. Because it's only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they're going to have Latino History Month. All we're going to have is Cinco de Negro.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.