Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.