Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

I could always make people laugh.

Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.