CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.

WEATHER, n. The climate of an hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up of official weather bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.

To seek a justification for a decision already made.

Respectability, n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.

When you doubt, abstain.

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.