When you feel scared, hold someone's hand and look into their eyes. And when you feel brave, do the same thing. You are all here because you are smart. And you are brave. And if you add kindness and the ability to change a tire, you almost make up the perfect person.

I was the daughter of teachers, so school was always very important. I liked it.

Believe me, blond hair can take you really far, especially with the older men. It can really distract from the face. I am convinced I could have had sex with both Tony Bennett and John McCain if we weren't each happily married at the time we all met.

We may all host ourselves to death, and if we're all dead who will host our funerals?

We were also performing. We'd give them a list of, like, 'Here's how we want to be introduced' They'd be like, 'Great' And then 5 minutes later they'd come back, 'Bad news: we lost your list. But good news: we've got a trash bag full of weed!'

I have realized that mystery is what keeps people away, and I've grown tired of smoke and mirrors. I yearn for the clean, well-lighted place. So let's peek behind the curtain and hail the others like us. The open-faced sandwiches who take risks and live big and smile with all of their teeth. These are the people I want to be around. This is the honest way I want to live and love and write.

Because of various security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony.