I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this.

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.