I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.

CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.

I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?