I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.

I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.