I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.