Diversity" is a difficulty to be overcome, not an advantage to be sought. True, America does a better job than most at accommodating a diverse population. We also do a better job at curing cancer and containing pollution. But no one goes around mindlessly exclaiming: "Cancer is a strength!" "Pollution is our greatest asset!

Some people say I'm really ugly and anorexic; some say the only reason I'm on TV is because I'm pretty. I say to them: Get your slander straight. You are what you are, whether you're small or skinny or smart or dumb. Just do what you do.

If you can somehow force a liberal into a point-counterpoint argument, his retorts will bear no relation to what you’ve said - unless you were in fact talking about your looks, your age, your weight, your personal obsessions, or whether you are a fascist. In the famous liberal two-step, they leap from one idiotic point to the next, so you can never nail them. It’s like arguing with someone with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Here's a foolproof method for keeping America safe. Always do the exact 180-degree opposite of whatever [Jimmy] Carter says, as quickly as possible.

On one hand, liberals are enraged at the heinousness of Mark Sanford - whom they didn't vote for - for not resigning and, on the other, they're enraged at Palin - whom they also didn't vote for - for resigning.

Liberals don't have to emerge from the hot tub and start attending NASCAR races or - God forbid - church, but it would be nice if they'd stop lying all the time.

In another show of America's force to the world, when the Soviets invaded Afghanistan, Carter responded by boycotting the Olympics. And thus was a fearsome blow struck at little fourteen-year-old American girls who had spent their lives training for the Olympics.