My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.