I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.