The world is full of horrible things.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.