Orphans, dead parents, lonely children at Christmas, morose spoken word recordings, everything you love about the holidays. Move the turkey over so you can fit your head in the oven.

My bedspread isn't washable. Since my bedding has to be washed every day, I'll have to throw it out.

I have found that many other countries will buy off on anything American. As much as they hate us, they want to be us more than anything.

Personally, I think tying garbage bags around your head and hands is overkill.

I can wholeheartedly apologize for not being at all sorry. And it really is the least I can do.

I always like to get local music when I'm in another country.

I never have anything to talk about.