I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since.

After conducting a concert in a small town, I once received the following note from a farmer who had attended the performance: "Dear Sir, I wish to inform you that the man who played the long thing you pull in and out only did so during the brief periods you were looking at him."

If you want to please the critics, don't play too loud, too soft, too fast, too slow.

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since.

When I was young, I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. Believe me, never since have I wasted any more time on tobacco.”“After I die I shall return to earth as the doorkeeper of a bordello and I won't let a one of you in.

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.

Can't you read? The score demands 'con amore,' and what are you doing? You are playing it like married men!