My dad was a fairy," said Zach. "And by that I don't mean he dressed well and enjoyed musical theatre.

What do you think you're doing?

Coffee arrived and the espresso was excellent, like an aromatic electric fence.

The study of the victim is called victimology because everything sounds better with and ology tacked on the end.

Landscaping is the great cardinal sin of modern architecture. It's not your garden, it's not a park - it's a formless patch of grass, shrubbery and the occasional tree that exists purely to stop the original developer's plans from looking like a howling concrete wilderness.

Not being invited in is one of the boxes on the “suspicious behavior” bingo form that every copper carries around in their head along with “stupidly overpowerful dog” and being too quick to supply an alibi. Fill all the boxes and you too could win an all-­expenses-paid visit to your local police station.

My dad was a fairy," said Zach. "And by that I don't mean he dressed well and enjoyed musical theatre.