It's a police mantra that all members of the public are guilty of something, but some members of the public are more guilty than others.

The clever people at CERN are smashing particles together in the hope that Doctor Who will turn up and tell them to stop

Every male in the world thinks he's an excellent driver. Every copper who's ever had to pick an eyeball out of a puddle knows that most of them are kidding themselves.

The motto of West African cooking is that if the food doesn't set fire to the tablecloth the cook is being stingy with the pepper.

It's a sad fact of modern life that if you drive long enough, sooner or later you must leave London behind.

This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there's someone else to do the housework.

If you ask any police officer what the worst part of the job is, they will always say breaking bad news to relatives, but this is not the truth. The worst part is staying in the room after you've broken the news, so that you're forced to be there when someone's life disintegrates around them. Some people say it doesn't bother them - such people are not to be trusted.