What do you think you're doing?

The motto of West African cooking is that if the food doesn't set fire to the tablecloth the cook is being stingy with the pepper.

Despite my mum being from a small village in the middle of a forest, I'm not a country person. I don't like my bacon sandwich to be curiously snuffling at my fingers. But sometimes being police means holding your breath and fondling a pig.

My dad was a fairy," said Zach. "And by that I don't mean he dressed well and enjoyed musical theatre.

I gave the prescribed Metropolitan Police "first greeting". "Oi!" I said "What do you think you're doing?

The media are doing this, not because they have a sinister motive, but because they love to feel that they are influencing events. That's why they hate politicians so much, because politicians have direct power and they do not.

It's a police mantra that all members of the public are guilty of something, but some members of the public are more guilty than others.