The Metropolitan Police Service is still, despite what people think, a working-class organisation and as such rejects totally the notion of an officer class. That is why every newly minted constable, regardless of their educational background, has to spend a two-year probationary period as an ordinary plod on the streets. This is because nothing builds character like being abused, spat at and vomited by members of the public.

It's a police mantra that all members of the public are guilty of something, but some members of the public are more guilty than others.

What do you think you're doing?

The motto of West African cooking is that if the food doesn't set fire to the tablecloth the cook is being stingy with the pepper.

In the winter she curls up around a good book and dreams away the cold.

My dad was a fairy," said Zach. "And by that I don't mean he dressed well and enjoyed musical theatre.

Not being invited in is one of the boxes on the “suspicious behavior” bingo form that every copper carries around in their head along with “stupidly overpowerful dog” and being too quick to supply an alibi. Fill all the boxes and you too could win an all-­expenses-paid visit to your local police station.