When you're a boy your life can be measured out as a series of uncomfortable conversations reluctantly initiated by adults in an effort to tell you things that you either already know or really don't want to know.

If you find yourself talking to the police, my advice is to stay calm but look guilty; it's your safest bet.

He was calling it an atonic seizure because, even if he didn't know why it had happened, it was important to give it a cool name.

For a terrifying moment I thought he was going to hug me, but fortunately we both remembered we were English just in time. Still, it was a close call.

Every male in the world thinks he's an excellent driver. Every copper who's ever had to pick an eyeball out of a puddle knows that most of them are kidding themselves.

It's a sad fact of modern life that if you drive long enough, sooner or later you must leave London behind.

This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there's someone else to do the housework.