You will never be happier than you expect. To change your happiness, change your expectation.

I'm the nicest goddamn dame that ever lived.

There is a certain ecstasy in wanting things you can't get.

Among the reasons marriages fail, sex ranks no higher than fourth, behind money, having only one bathroom, and an inability to communicate, reasons one, two and three.

Old age ain't for sissies

At 50, I thought proudly: Here we are, half century! Being 60 was fairly frightening. You want to know how I spent my 70th birthday? I put on a completely black face, a fuzzy black Afro wig, wore black clothes and hung a black wreath on my door.

The act of sex, gratifying as it may be, is God's joke on humanity. It is man's last desperate stand at superintendency.