A lot of people say that my life is wasted on me because I could be a bigger asshole than I am, but I've chosen not to be.

I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are Viagra and Cialis. Election, erection, election, erection! Either way we're screwed!

I'm mad about God! That's why I'm divine.

Romance is an illusion. Well, romance is not a complete illusion, but it's ephemeral. It does not last.

You have to think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, but you have to know that you're not.

before one actually visits them, everyone tends to think of their favorite countries as one grand Disneyland filled with national monuments and historical treasures conveniently laid out for easy viewing, when what they really are filled with, of course, is people going to work, laundromats and places to buy rat poison.

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.