My dad was a dentist but I wasn't a hygienist. I assisted my dad.

Being a stand-up comic, this isn't a stepping-stone for me; it's what I do, and this is what I'm always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.

Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I'm yelling?

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?

The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's funny. That's a tough place to be as a comedian.

I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.

D.C.'s always had a great scene.