You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I'd be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.

I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you've gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman's motherly instincts.

I have to make small adjustments, but I can't change too much. If I'm worrying about that stuff too much then the show isn't as funny.

You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.

Patrice O'Neal is the best comic I ever saw.

I am so pro-swine flu... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.

I am so pro-swine flu it's - it's like ridiculous.