You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I'd be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.

Comedians have the ability to feel other emotions.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

It was right after 9/11 and I decided to walk around the grounds of the Pentagon, because I had never been there. Out of nowhere comes this speeding camouflaged golf cart and this guy starts yelling at me, 'What do you think you're doing!' The guy wrote my name down and began to follow me before I got really scared and took off as fast as I could.

I just do my act. If people in England don't get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.

[Nazi] copied stuff from us for their "final solution" but we get to walk around like we're the good guys.