Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.

I loved the [English] countryside. I went to John Bonham's grave.

There's a big thing right now with people using stand-up as a scapegoat. People think comedians have the power to change someone in an hour. If we had that ability, the art would not be legal. It would too dangerous.

Some guy workin' at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can't do it, because whores don't care about lumber.

Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it's a fun place to live.

When I watch 'Breaking Bad,' my stomach is in knots.

I don't think people know what hygienist means.