I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!