You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.

Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.