If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!