I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.