I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.