I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!'

I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!