I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.

I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!'