I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.