I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.