I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.