I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.