The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe - if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different - so different if it's Superman or the Fantastic Four?

There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.

The Eleventh Commandment: don't speak ill of a fellow Republican. What if the fellow Republican is doing something that hurts America? Isn't it the patriot who sides with America before he sides with the Republicans?

This is America. We don't call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

New Rule: President Bush must stop acting like WE'RE the idiots. He gives speech after speech, and the theme is always the same; 'What part of freedom don't you get, you morons?'. I'll answer that for you Mr. President. The part where you give it to people by blowing them up.