Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'

The American people don't really care what side of an issue you're on. They just don't want you to act like a pussy.

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.

Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job.

A lot of people have warned President Clinton that Bosnia will turn into another Vietnam, which would be embarrassing for him because he'll have to go back to college.

I don't know if anybody from my tribe of atheists ever thanked [Barack Obama] for giving us a shout-out at your first inaugural, but you did mention non-believers. We appreciate it. Because we do feel like untouchables to a degree.

Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times.