Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon.

I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.

I don't want to start a movement that mirrors religion. I don't want to create the church of the non-believers where I'm the preacher and we're all gathering together and reciting things.

If the Hamas people had the opportunity, they would kill the maximum number of Israelis, which would be all. And, Israel has the opportunity to kill way more, and they do not.

Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you

Lip-synching?! Let that be a lesson. If you are in Washington, D.C., and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company or a bank.

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.